The Bottle of Cleaner and the Battle for Control

Today, I remembered a simple trip my mother and I took to Walmart. She was deep into her cancer treatments, and although she was tired and weak, she still enjoyed getting out and shopping when she had the energy to do so. We were shopping for food and decided to pick up some cleaning supplies. I picked up a bottle of Lemon cleaner. She picked up a bottle of Fabuloso. I hated Fabuloso then, and I still don’t like it now. Honestly, I am not sure why I feel this way, because everyone else in my family loves it.

As we were checking out, I told her I would not be cleaning with it. She firmly replied that it was her house, and she wanted it cleaned the way she wanted. I pushed back: if I was going to do the cleaning, I would do it with the products I preferred. 

It seems like such a silly argument in hindsight. Just a bottle of cleaner. But now I see it so differently.

More Than Just a Cleaner

That bottle was not just about a fragrance or a preference—it was about autonomy.

Cancer was taking control of my mother’s body, her routines, and so much of her independence. In that moment, choosing Fabuloso was her way of holding onto something that was still hers. It was about control, dignity, and self-determination in the face of so much that was uncontrollable.

The Caregiver’s Blind Spot

As caregivers, exhaustion can make us appear unsympathetic. We are tired. We just want to get the chores done. Sometimes we don’t recognize that a disagreement is not about the task at all, it is about the deeper need of the person we are caring for.

Looking back, I see that my mother was not fighting about a cleaning product. She was fighting for a voice. For choice. For her autonomy.

The Takeaway

Caregiving is not just about completing tasks—it is about honoring the person in front of us. Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give is letting them hold onto the small things that matter to them, even if it feels inconvenient to us.

Moving With Compassion

If you are in the middle of caregiving, I encourage you to pause the next time tension arises over “little things.” Ask yourself: Is this really about the task—or is it about control, identity, or dignity?

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Because caregiving is not just about doing, it is about seeing, honoring, and walking the journey with compassion.